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My Week for anyone that cares
2 min read
My week started off with a bang. Last Sunday the parking breaks failed on the cart and rolled backwards into a vehicle while I was in a unit. Next day my day started off shitty with a spending ticket, which oddly enough was the highlight of my day, not the worse but work ended short with going to the office and being told I need to be sent home because I don’t have the proper shoes despite telling them I couldn’t afford them. To make matters even funner, I wasn’t the only one without said shoes that day but I was the only one sent home. So while I was over joyed to leave hell a lot earlier than expected and I get to stay home until Friday because I’m off Weds and Thursday.
I got the shoes I needed and went to work Friday. I’m greeted with a wrote up slip for not having said shoes at the deadline and for not telling her about the parking breaks, which I mentioned weeks before but apparently no one remembers so I didn’t mention it for the sake of being called a liar. I had enough and went to a lady at lunch. Talking to her was rather pointless but it got shit off of my chest.
All through the week I dealt with the usual pain of my leg/ankle until about 2:20 AM this morning I woke up with severe leg pain shooting up my leg. After laying there and figuring it was just going to get worse and not stop, and I wouldn’t be able to work in this condition, I set off for the ER. Got there a little after 4, didn’t leave til about 6:30 which really isn’t long considering how they usually take. So I take medicine when I get home, pass out until 3:30 this evening, got up long enough to eat and watch a little bit of youtube, and right now Im waiting for medicine to kick in as a I write this because it’s getting worse again and I needed a distraction.
I can’t keep going like this. I just can’t.
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It's been forever
2 min read
I finally managed to write something, even if it wasn't prose, it's still something.
I've been battling depression, illness and a number of other things, still am but I'm hoping things will start to look up soon.
I've been looking for a job ... with no luck. I've had a few loved ones pass recently and I have a family member in the hospital so there is still a lot going on.
But hey, I managed to write this didn't I? Something must be giving in. It's a depressing piece and it's out of my muse but, hey, it's better than nothing.
Suicidal LoveDear love
How long did it take for the loneliness to consume you?
Days of plotting you must have spent
Letters upon letters you must have written,
Your wastebasket full of crumpled up sheets.
Tears of sorrow and bloodied fingerprints ruin what were once words of apologies and goodbyes,
Now my own tears stain what is left of you now
Sad love
I guess we just weren't enough
The warmth of our embraces
you could not feel
Our love for you,
you could not see
At what point did you become blind?
Was it our words?
Did you feel left behind?
I'm sorry love
I'm not blaming you
I just wish you would have spoken to us
told us
shown us
the pain you felt but so well you concealed
We could have helped
We could have become better
For you we would have shot down the moon
Just to make you better
Oh love
Your room is so empty
And so is our life
We have nothing to live for
Our inner light, no longer shines
Goodbye love
We were forced to say.
Dirt covers you now
and a coffin you lay
No longer is it blankets
o
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Another Morbid Update. Yay.
3 min read
So ... I'll just skip everything that's happened between my post on the second and now and just stick with the main things.
My dog has a tumor in his nasal cavity. It's either cancerous, fungus, or just a large mass of meat that is just growing for whatever reason. If it's a tumor, radiation will only be effective for a year. If it's a fungus they can do something about it but ... over all he's not looking so good. He can barely breathe and he's lost a lot of weight because he can't smell, and he's just worked himself so much trying to get his breath. I've been by his side non-stop since I first heard him struggle to breathe through his nose. I wouldn't be so bad if he would just open his mouth and breathe. He does some when he's out and about but when he's home, he likes to do it through his nose and it just takes a lot out of him. He's gotten so weak... it's just heart wrenching.
Next my dad is getting surgery done. He's getting his tonsils removed, some of his tongue cut out, and there is a possibility that he may have to have a trachea put in, all for his breathing issues. There is a possibility that he can come out of it okay. But there is also a possibility that he could die from this surgery. It's a delicate procedure in a very crucial place when it comes to living.
My anxieties have just blown out of proportion. My dog it hurts for obvious reasons, and the same goes for my dad. I also have to find a way to make money and there aren't much around for jobs. The thing about living near a beach, is that it's a seasonal area. Things may pick up soon but it won't last and I need something stable in order to take care of dad, my dogs and the bills.
I'm attempting a class for the second time.
I think I've fallen prey to chronic fatigue and I'm in dire need of a psychologist and hopefully my aunt can help me find one soon.
I feel like I'm literally losing my mind. Mom's death still feels like it happened yesterday. I lost a dog a few days before the anniversary of her death, the very same dog that went missing and came back the day we buried her, that same very dog suffered and died in my arms not even a month ago - and it kills me because there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Then a cousin died on the same day my mother did. ... I did say I wasn't going to touch on this stuff but hell, I need to get this off of my mind.
I'm just at my wits end. I haven't been this deep in depression in four years and it scares the shit out of me.
I just want things to be okay. I just want life to stop being a complete hell for a few months and just let me regain some energy and sanity.
I don't even care about writing anymore. I just don't care about anything other my dogs, my dad, and just making the achievement of getting up in the mornings. Damnit I'm tired. I'm just so tired.
My dog has a tumor in his nasal cavity. It's either cancerous, fungus, or just a large mass of meat that is just growing for whatever reason. If it's a tumor, radiation will only be effective for a year. If it's a fungus they can do something about it but ... over all he's not looking so good. He can barely breathe and he's lost a lot of weight because he can't smell, and he's just worked himself so much trying to get his breath. I've been by his side non-stop since I first heard him struggle to breathe through his nose. I wouldn't be so bad if he would just open his mouth and breathe. He does some when he's out and about but when he's home, he likes to do it through his nose and it just takes a lot out of him. He's gotten so weak... it's just heart wrenching.
Next my dad is getting surgery done. He's getting his tonsils removed, some of his tongue cut out, and there is a possibility that he may have to have a trachea put in, all for his breathing issues. There is a possibility that he can come out of it okay. But there is also a possibility that he could die from this surgery. It's a delicate procedure in a very crucial place when it comes to living.
My anxieties have just blown out of proportion. My dog it hurts for obvious reasons, and the same goes for my dad. I also have to find a way to make money and there aren't much around for jobs. The thing about living near a beach, is that it's a seasonal area. Things may pick up soon but it won't last and I need something stable in order to take care of dad, my dogs and the bills.
I'm attempting a class for the second time.
I think I've fallen prey to chronic fatigue and I'm in dire need of a psychologist and hopefully my aunt can help me find one soon.
I feel like I'm literally losing my mind. Mom's death still feels like it happened yesterday. I lost a dog a few days before the anniversary of her death, the very same dog that went missing and came back the day we buried her, that same very dog suffered and died in my arms not even a month ago - and it kills me because there wasn't a thing I could do about it. Then a cousin died on the same day my mother did. ... I did say I wasn't going to touch on this stuff but hell, I need to get this off of my mind.
I'm just at my wits end. I haven't been this deep in depression in four years and it scares the shit out of me.
I just want things to be okay. I just want life to stop being a complete hell for a few months and just let me regain some energy and sanity.
I don't even care about writing anymore. I just don't care about anything other my dogs, my dad, and just making the achievement of getting up in the mornings. Damnit I'm tired. I'm just so tired.
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I've been pretty down for a while.
2 min read
And I think because of my depression, it's weakened my immune system, because vitamins and a flu shot aint working. I'm sick in bed with the flu.
Last night I was so cold, I was under four covers (which is my normal ... because I'm that cold natured) and I had my room heater up to 77. It was like an oven in my room, and I couldn't feel it until my boyfriend gave me an aspirin and broke my fever. ... Then I spent the rest of the night trying to cool off.
I'm a bit better today but still very sick. I'm kinda bored because I can't go back to sleep. It's like, for the past two weeks, I've felt so exhausted and so tired, I could sleep anywhere. And now that I'm actually in bed and able to sleep the day away, I can't. Ain't that some shit?
Anyways, I'm going to slowly get back into writing. I'm still rusty as hell but, I think that last piece was pretty decent.
I'm also going to get into bookbinding, or try to. It looks fun, and since I'm a journal junkie ... even if I don't write in them much, I just like to have them, it'll be a nice new hobby to get into I think. I would like to sell them, but I doubt people would want one.
Last night I was so cold, I was under four covers (which is my normal ... because I'm that cold natured) and I had my room heater up to 77. It was like an oven in my room, and I couldn't feel it until my boyfriend gave me an aspirin and broke my fever. ... Then I spent the rest of the night trying to cool off.
I'm a bit better today but still very sick. I'm kinda bored because I can't go back to sleep. It's like, for the past two weeks, I've felt so exhausted and so tired, I could sleep anywhere. And now that I'm actually in bed and able to sleep the day away, I can't. Ain't that some shit?
Anyways, I'm going to slowly get back into writing. I'm still rusty as hell but, I think that last piece was pretty decent.
I'm also going to get into bookbinding, or try to. It looks fun, and since I'm a journal junkie ... even if I don't write in them much, I just like to have them, it'll be a nice new hobby to get into I think. I would like to sell them, but I doubt people would want one.
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I feel so empty.
1 min read
I can't write.
I can barely think.
Every time I get upset, I start coughing and then that turns into a try not to throw up battle.
Hell I almost fell over just by getting in the shower.
I'm finding it harder to even verbally finish my sentences.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I can barely think.
Every time I get upset, I start coughing and then that turns into a try not to throw up battle.
Hell I almost fell over just by getting in the shower.
I'm finding it harder to even verbally finish my sentences.
What the hell is wrong with me?
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